Dear Drew, Why does my cat like to eat my feces? It's not like it tastes good or anything. I mean, I would know.

Jack Dark in London, In my experience I have found that, of all the feces in the world, human feces tends to be the most delicious. Gazelle feces are a close second, but even that pales in comparison to a delicious slice of homo sapien waste. Now, as far as your cat goes, I imagine it is a very finicky eater and has great taste. Most cats I know enjoy things like their own fur, their own ass nuggets, and leftover vomit from six days ago. So don't be surprised if your cat also enjoys your toilet bowl gumdrops. Just make sure he saves a piece for me!

Dear Drew, Where can I find the Plug in the Jug e-cards?

Sara in Sauceville, Fear not! While we did take Plug in the Jug down, we are in the process of developing even better e-cards for you to use here at AskDrewNow.com. They will be more loving, funnier, more exciting and even awesomer than any e-cards before them. So please keep an eye here on the site as they should be ready to go soon. And by all means, if you have any questions, need any advice or just need someone to talk to, feel free to submit everything to our site. We are here to entertain and help...in that order actually. Bottoms up!

Dear Drew, Where's my fan package with stickers and printed toilet paper? I need to spread the good word.

Caleb Studnicka in Bohemia, Rest easy, your fan package is being assembled by our expert package handlers right now. There is no one out there that is better at handling your package than AskDrewNow.com. And as for your printed toilet paper, we are still in the "testing" stage, but I will include some used samples for you to scratch and sniff. Once you get those stickers be sure to use them to tag every local bar, elementary school and Alzheimer’s hospitals so everyone can be introduced to our brand of humor. We appreciate your support...and your package.

Dear Drew, Should I slap Alan?

Colter in Cookieville, Yes, slap the sh*t out of him. Tell him that if he doesn't get me my money by Friday he will get more than a slap. Thanks for handling my business for me, and feel free to use a wrench or steel pipe to really get the message across.

Dear Drew, od uoy tsloem nhildrec?

Vagoo McWeiner in Vegas, On, I t'nod. But enough talking in code, thank you for your question. I have been keeping an eye on you since you submitted this question and I now understand why you asked. I will not join your secret club of Boy Scout troop leaders and Catholic priests, so please quit sending me issues of your magazine "A Boy's Life." I appreciate the offer but have to politely decline. So do yourself a favor and go get some help, and a shot of penicillin.

Dear Drew, What is the funniest joke you have ever heard?

Heehee in HaHaville, This is a tough one as I have heard many great jokes. I suppose if I had to pick one, it might be this: President Palin! Excuse me....it's difficult to stop laughing.....ok. So if you ever want to get a good laugh out of someone, just say those two words. It is easily the shortest and simplest joke there is. But if that doesn't work try this one: Two pies are sitting in an oven; one pie says to the other pie "Man it's hot in here!" The other pie's eyes get large and a look of terror comes over his face as he says "Oh my god, that pie just talked!"

Dear Drew, I'm looking for "charlie bit me" video clip...

Kiya in Kalaka, Unfortunately you will not find any "charlie bit me" video clips here. You see, that video clip is just an example of a poor, brain-dead child who doesn't understand that if he continues to put his finger in someone's mouth, it is going to be bit. Most of us here on AskDrewNow.com avoid putting our fingers in each others mouths...though I guess it might be kind of sexy if we started doing that. Hmmm...I need to go, my finger is being called...

Dear Drew, What are the best skateboard brands?

Marcell Guillory in Muldoon, In my opinion, the best brand of skateboard, hands down, is World Industries. My research and inquiry to the best skateboarders in the world tells me that World Industries "Suck out loud!" and "they stink and the boards are not good." Another source told me that "I thought World Industries were Wal-Mart boards." So with reviews like this you have to admit, World Industries is by far the best brand of skateboard in the entire world. Go buy yourself a dozen and let me know how much you love them!

Dear Drew, You are a dick!

Samantha in Georgia, Well, it's hard to argue with such honesty. But please remember, sometimes people need to hear the cold hard truth, and it is my mission to deliver it to them. I run the office here at AskDrewNow.com the same way, so keep an eye out for some exclusive footage (coming soon) of our yearly employee evaluations. If you think I am a dick now, just wait until you see those evaluations. But make no mistake, if you see me on the street sometime feel free to come up and talk to me, I promise to make you feel as important as I do all of my employees here on AskDrewNow.com!

Dear Drew, What is a paper presentation?

Gaddesh in Guam, Lucky for you I am an expert on paper presentations. You see, the key to a good paper presentation is to have both paper...and a presentation. Basically, a paper presentation is a presentation on paper. And don't worry about that sound, it's just your mind being blown. I certainly hope this was helpful. Now if you will excuse me I have to go fondle a few new paper presentations.

Dear Drew, Old McDonald sitting on a bench; hitting his meat with a monkey wrench.mmMissed his meat and hit his balls. Ran through the kitchen ran so fast, stuck his di*ck up Grandmas a*s! Grandma said God bless your soul get your di*k out my a*shole! If you were Old McDonald and hit you balls would you stick your di*k up Grandma's butt hole?

Grandma in McDonald Land, Ummmm.....well....I guess if I were in a situation where I hit my balls with a monkey wrench, I would probably refrain from sticking my genitals in a grandmother's bum. While I believe that everyone has their own interests and hobbies, I would have to say that your interest in geriatric enemas is a bit disturbing. But that is what we like here at AskDrewNow.com. So tell us about your strange retirement home experiences and we will post the best ones here on the site! Who knows, we may even shoot a video answer to your most disgusting and degrading story...we tend to do that. Keep 'em coming our depraved friend!

Dear Drew, Where would you want to go or be on your honey moon and with whom?

Bebe from Belching, If I had to choose just one person to go on a honey moon with...it would be a tie between OJ Simpson and AskDrewNow.com's own Garrett. Of course, if I had to choose just one...for the sake of not getting murdered...I would have to go with Garrett. He is such a loving and generous lover. As far as where we would go, I would have to suggest Harvard, Nebraska. It is one of the most beautiful and romantic places on Earth. In fact, the third most visited vacation site in the world, right behind Iraq and Afghanistan, is Harvard, Nebraska. Just check out our Harvard Documentary to see some of the highlights of this beautiful community. If you want to check it out sometime, let us know when you are in the area and we will fly our documentary crew down to meet you and show you around. And hey, maybe you can join us on our next completely hetero honey moon...hetero not guaranteed.

Dear Drew, Why does college homework suck?

Bill in Boulder, The main reason college homework sucks is because going to school licks balls. If there are any kids out there checking out AskDrewNow.com right now, take down this one piece of advice: Quit school immediately. The truth is, there is no use for education any more. Just get an application for your local fast food restaurant and call it a life. Hey, free processed meat-like artificial food products for the rest of your life! *In all seriousness, AskDrewNow.com promotes education above all else. It is only through continued education that we can learn from the mistakes of the past. Join us in our education revolution. Send your contact info to AskDrewNow.com and we will send you a fan package to help you spread the word of AskDrewNow.com to everyone you know, in the name of education*

Dear Drew, I am a sexy guy model. Would I make it to finals of the AskDrewNow.com beauty pageant?

Damian in Denmark, Based on the nude photos you sent us, I would say yes, you would absolutely make it to the finals of our upcoming beauty pageant. If you would like to be a part of it please send your contact info to us and we will let you know the dates we plan to hold the event. Hey, even if you don't win you can still be a part of one of our critically acclaimed videos! That will not only help you finally get in to the dance squad, but you will also be able to tell all of your friends that you met the entire AskDrewNow.com crew. So let us know if you are interested, and keep those nude photos coming. Though you could stop sending the used condoms if you want...your call.

Dear Drew, What's twelve inches long and white? NOTHING!!!

Walpole Native in Nogales, Well...I'm not really sure how to answer that. I guess as far as a joke goes you have a solid foundation, although I would have to question the basis for your argument. The reason being is that I have seen AskDrewNow.com's very own Kevin while soaping up in the shower, and he is a great example of a five dollar foot long. Of course, this makes everyone else here feel pretty inadequate, but that is to be expected when you spend a lot of time together...naked. So by all means, continue to submit the jokes; we will continue to provide the comic relief to help take them to the next level.

What's the most important letter in the alphabet? Why?

Paperboy in Ponchotown, After much thought I have come to the conclusion that the most important letter of the alphabet is L. It starts some of the greatest words in the English language. Labia, Lockjaw, Lesbian, Lick, Large, Lesion and Chode are just a few. I checked with my good friend Merriam Webster and he agreed, we would all be totally screwed if we didn't have the letter L. So lie back and enjoy the love of the letter L, it will gladly love you long time.

Why does my boyfriend still go on his okcupid account?

Charlene in Chexton, The reason your boyfriend has kept his okcupid account is because...and this might be hard to hear...he really loves the dudes. I know he has kept it a secret from you up until now, but I followed him last week when he told you he was going out to get the "male." Turns out he was heading to a local sausage fest to get his fix of delicious tube steak. Didn't you find it strange that you were the only person in the world who still had a Milkman come by each day while you were at work? But don't be worried, we have just the thing to cheer you up during this tough time. Send us a message with your contact info and we will send you out an official AskDrewNow.com Season 1 dvd with all of your favorite videos on it. It's just a little way for us to say, "Your boyfriend is totally gay, and that's ok, except not for you...sorry."

How old am I?

Alex in Alexandria, Judging by how you look peeking in at me through my mansion window each night, I would say 43. And please, in the future, wear pants while you watch me shower.

I keep clicking your donate button and my mom keeps getting pissed off. I don't see what the big problem is, I'm donating to a good cause, aren't I?

Careless in Clitson, The simple answer is HELL YES! Not only does the donation money go towards website maintenance, video production and research & development, it also goes to the world famous "Needy Child Fund." That's right; the original Needy Child Fund was started back in 1998 by one industrious young man looking to raise money for the most needy child of all...himself. So we have continued the tradition with our website. In fact, 132% of all donations to our site go directly to that needy child. And just a fun fact, we employ that needy child for all of our child labor needs...so...that works out great for everyone. Donate away and help keep AskDrewNow.com on the air!

Is there a part of your body that you look at and start to laugh?

Billy Ray in Boulder, As one might expect, I frequently look at myself naked in the mirror to admire the amazingness that is Drew. But alas, there is one major flaw to this masterpiece that makes me laugh every time. I have a birthmark that starts at my knee, wraps around my thigh, comes across my chode and straight up my taint stick. And here is the scary part; the birthmark bares a striking resemblance to film, television star and NBA Hall of Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. It even has a tiny little bald head right at the top, just like our favorite hook-shot Laker. I am currently in the process of knitting my birthmark the cutest little jersey. Hopefully someday he can make us all proud and get a basketball scholarship to UCLA. Keep an eye out for the birthmarks appearance on an upcoming video. Kareem would be proud.